Why You Continue to Fail, Pt. 2

See Part 1 here.

Poor Tracking and Management

The famous management specialist (apparently such things exist) Peter Drucker said, “What doesn’t get measured, doesn’t get managed.” 

If you aren’t journaling every day and tracking your daily habits, emotions, activities, practices or sexual energy-boosting herb intake, and then one day you relapse, how are you going to know what caused it? 

Don’t chalk it up to just weakness – it could have been one of many variables that caused your relapse. For one person, they’re feeling shitty about something that happened earlier in the week. For another, it was their second week taking too powerful of a sexual energy-boosting compound and they couldn’t handle the energy they’d built up. For yet another, they had caffeine that day when they usually don’t.

If you’re struggling with relapses, start tracking what’s going on in your life. It doesn’t have to take much – just a brief synopsis at the end of each day describing what you did, where your mood and energy was at, if anything really good or bad happened, if you were tempted and what you did about it, and if any new practice or substance was added to your protocol. Just list it out in bullet points. At the end of the week, do a quick review and sum things up for how the week went.

It’s simple but pays dividends.

Things Going Too Well

For a lot of addicts, when the going gets tough, the tough get, well… To relapsing. What many folks don’t realize is that almost as often, an addict can also get into trouble when everything is going right.

Many people look at addicts and they say, “Oh, of course he relapsed. He just lost his job and his wife left him.” That makes sense to us. What doesn’t make sense is when everything is going right, and that guy just got a new promotion, and then he relapses. “He had it all going for him, how could he mess up now??”

Most people don’t realize that relapses can occur not just when things go bad, but also when things are going great. Why? Because these people are on a dopamine high that makes them feel invincible, and it makes them want more of that high. So they add a little more fuel to their fire with drinking, with their drug of choice, or gambling, or relapsing with a sex addiction.

Or in our case, with porn and masturbation. Gentlemen, let’s face it, except for the few people who are using semen retention as a powerful life hack, most of us are terribly addicted to porn and masturbation. 

Beware of the high highs. Celebrate your wins, but when they start stacking up, which they inevitably will… Keep your guard. For those interested in more info, check out Professor Andrew Huberman’s podcast with Dr. Anna Lembke on defeating addiction. It’s a banger, as are all of his podcasts.

Not Embracing the Feminine

This point might ruffle your feathers – if it does, you’re exactly who needs to hear it.

Why are men attracted to women, and vice versa? Largely because we are two halves of the same whole, and being around the other half, and especially having mind-blowing sex with them, makes us feel complete. The problem is, when we’re not around them or bumpin’ uglies, we’re left feeling incomplete, and before long, that urge to seek feminine energy drives us back out there in pursuit of it. Or, more likely, just another visit to pornhub and another crusty sock. Back to day 1.

Call it testosterone seeking estrogen, call it yang seeking yin, call it the call of the wild for all I care. If you’re a male heterosexual with a heartbeat, you naturally crave the feminine – period.

Here’s what most men don’t realize – you can find that same feminine energy elsewhere, and, dare I say, even cultivate it within. No, it won’t make you girly – what it will make you is so cool, calm and collected around women, and so not needy, that they will be quite curious as to what you have going on. And since you’ve been cultivating all this sexual energy, you may just find they are also quite attracted to you, because you already have ample supplies of that yang good good.

The eminent psychologist Carl Jung came up with the concepts of anima and animus as they relate to the subconscious. The anima is the hidden feminine side of the ego in men, while the animus is the hidden male aspect within women. 

The anima goes through 4 stages of development within a man – Eve, Helen, Mary and Sophia. Eve is the first stage of development, or underdevelopment as it should be thought of, with Sophia being the final, highest development. As a man grows, he is supposed to develop and fully integrate his anima, going from looking at women strictly as objects of desire and providers of nourishment, security and love (Eve), then to women as capable of intelligence and worldly success even though they may not be virtuous (Helen), to women being able to achieve success and possess virtue, even if all of them don’t (Mary), and finally to women as being fully developed and complete beings in themselves, capable of success and being both virtuous and flawed, just as we men are – as women as our complementary opposites. 

It’s sad that many guys can’t seem to get past looking at women as purely objects of desire, as mere things they can use to get off with, as conquests, or even as a substitute for “mother”, seeking that comfort and nourishment they used to get as children from their moms. Every girl or woman you meet is a complete individual, with their own amazing qualities, their own flaws they’re likely working on, their own hopes and dreams and fears, just like every one of us guys. Developing your anima to the level of Sophia takes spending a lot of time around women, as friends, family and lovers, and trying to see and understand this for yourself.

It’s important to seek out the feminine in life, not just in the company of women, but in other ways as well. Go out in nature more, go hiking, camping, backpacking, mountain biking, trail running, swimming in lakes, rivers and oceans. It’s called Mother Nature for a reason – because she provides all that we need to get by in life. Sure, drop any one of us off in the woods and we probably wouldn’t survive more than a week or two, but this is how we got by for millennia and in fact continue to get by, even if we aren’t in the thick of nature in daily life. We’re still dependent on the animals and plants She provides for us, the very oxygen we breathe comes from forests all around the world.

Two more things I’d like to add, most important of which is to take your yin-boosting herbs! This is the easiest way to get that feminine yin energy, from herbs like goji berries, rehmannia, dong quai or he shou wu. Jing Herbs makes a nice product called Restore the Yin that would be well suited to this. As you know, these herbs aren’t estrogenic or feminizing in any way, they just help to build sexual energy while also cooling off some of that yang heat.

The other is to practice things like generosity, patience, compassion and loving kindness. These are traditionally thought of as more “womanly” virtues. Just think of a mother and her newborn – you can bet your ass she’s experiencing these feelings in abundance, every single day of her child’s life.

Practice giving with others, and I don’t mean just donating to charity. Lend a hand to someone who needs it, be there to listen to friends who are struggling, help your girlfriend out with some chores or yard work or whatever. Take her up to your room, go down on her and get her off, and then don’t have sex with her or ask for head in return. 

Be patient with others – we’re all flawed. Have compassion for those flaws. When you see someone misbehaving or acting a fool, instead of getting upset with them, have compassion that their minds are so disturbed and they are so overwhelmed by their emotions. And just be kind to others, it costs you nothing and if anything just boosts your good karma.

Again, if you’re triggered from hearing that you should get in touch with your feminine side, you’re probably the person who needs to hear it most. Nothing is less manly than being afraid of the feminine.

Nothing to Fill the Hole Left by PMO

If you take away all the time and energy you put into porn and masturbation, or into chasing women, and you don’t have something left to fill that gap, well… You’re almost guaranteed to relapse.

You guys should already know what healthy habits to replace PMO with. Lift weights, go for runs or hikes, start working on that project you’ve been thinking of, nerd out on something, journal, pick up a new hobby, or learn an instrument. I’ve never met a person, female or otherwise, that doesn’t give props to a person who can play or is learning to play an instrument.

Find your passions! It’s not always the easiest, but it can and should be done. In Steven Kotler’s latest book The Art of Impossible, he outlines his “Passion Recipe”. It’s four simple steps to take in order to find what you may be passionate about. In the name of brevity, those interested can check out the formula here.

Putting Sex and Attention From Women on a Pedestal 

This one’s a classic – putting the pussy on a pedestal. If all you care about is the female form, whether that means jacking off to it multiple times a day or spending every weekend chasing it down at the bars, how the hell are you ever gonna break this habit?

Sex can be one of the finest pleasures in life. Women are wonderful and really can enrich your life. And women’s bodies can be sexy as hell. But guess what champ? There is so much more to life than chasing tail. 

We live in a pretty fucked up world, let’s face it. The cards are stacked against us retainers. Sex is crammed down our throats in movies, tv, video games, books, billboards, even the real world. There are plenty of attractive women out there wearing skimpy clothes every day, and don’t get me started on girls in yoga pants. 

And porn? It used to be you’d at least have to go to the corner store to buy a porno mag or steal your dads – now it’s at the touch of a button.

But just like women are programmed almost from birth (looking at you Disney) to be obsessed with finding the perfect man to fall in love with and to have that fairytale wedding, we’re programmed from birth to chase after sex. It’s a natural urge of course, but we’re taught a real man is a player, one who gets all the ladies. And we’re constantly having hyper-sexualized images of women shoved in our faces.

What’s a guy to do?

Realize the world we live in is a trap. Realize there is so much more out there for you than just getting laid. Realize masturbating alone in your room to whatever weird porn you’re into is pretty damn pathetic, if it’s a constant, unbreakable habit.

Once you’ve had a fair amount of sex, you realize that it’s just that – sex. It’s just another one of those fine pleasures out there. It’s satisfying, at times amazingly so, but.. So is a nice steak dinner. So is a backpacking trip with your closest friends. Accomplishing big goals is very satisfying. Transforming your body through proper diet and exercise is very rewarding.

And porn? It’s really not that great, is it? A frenzy of friction and staring at women on a screen you’ll never meet, only to be left feeling empty and shameful.

Sex and women? They can be great, they can be amazing, but they are nothing to obsess over. And let’s face it, sometimes women and even sex can be a drag. “Can’t live with em, can’t live without em”.

It goes back to your passions – what else interests you out there? Figure that out and start pursuing those things. Look for your dopamine highs in healthier ways.

Just a Rat in a Cage

You guys know that song by The Smashing Pumpkins, Bullet With Butterfly Wings? It has pretty spot on lyrics for us guys practicing semen retention.

The world is a vampire, sent to drain

Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames

And what do I get for my pain?

Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

(chorus)

Even though I know – I suppose I’ll show

All my cool and cold – like old Job

Despite all my rage I’m still just a rat in a cage (2x)

Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved

Despite all my rage I’m still just a rat in a cage

The world sure can be a vampire sent to drain, and the porn and sex industry absolutely is vampiric. Maybe I’m showing my age here with this song.. But the point is that you need to consider whether you have “rat in a cage” syndrome.

In a classic study on addiction, they set up two cages for rats to live in. Both cages had an option for rats to self-administer a cocaine solution. How the rats were able to self-administer cocaine, alas, I do not know, but I’m picturing a rat version of Tony Montana right now.

Cage number one was a “non-enriched environment”, meaning there were no other rats, no toys, nothing but a food bowl, water bowl, and the method of self-administering cocaine. The other cage was an “enriched environment” – it had other rats to play with, a bunch of rat toys, as well as plants to simulate nature, as well as the same water bowl, food bowl and cocaine. 

The results? Rats in the non-enriched cages administered waaaaay more cocaine than those in the enriched environment. The rats in the enriched environment would still occasionally partake, but only one rat in the enriched cage was found to be a “high drug-taker” – I guess he was the partier of the bunch.

The implications for those of us practicing semen retention should be obvious – if you have nothing else exciting going on in your life, what’s to keep you from “self-administering” all that porn and masturbation you’re trying to eliminate? After all, cocaine and PMO affect the same neurotransmitters and reward circuits in the brain.

So what are you going to do to enrich your cage, brothers? Don’t be just another rat in a cage.

Where Does Your Self-Worth Come From?

This is also about finding your self worth. That’s something only you can do, but for starters, realize it ain’t “out there”. No “thing” you get, no goal you accomplish, no amount of fame you acquire will make you truly happy. That’s why middle-aged men who acquire all they ever wanted have their mid-life crisis. That’s why so many celebrities are at best attention-seeking partiers and at worst, wind up addicted to drugs and committing suicide. All that fame and all they accomplished didn’t make them happy. 

Newsflash – happiness ain’t out there! It’s to be cultivated within. It starts by loving yourself. How do you love yourself? Again, I can’t answer that completely for you, but you could start by being the guy that you’d look up to. Who you would look up to, not who society says you should look up to. A guy who likes what he likes and fuck what other people say. A guy who sticks to his principles – speaking of which, what are your principles? A guy who doesn’t need others’ approval because he already knows he’s the shit. He knows what he wants and likes and he goes after it, no excuses.

That’s usually not something you can flip on like a switch, so spend time developing these qualities and outlooks.

I’m in my early thirties preaching to a bunch of dudes on the internet about yoga, tantra, herbs and self-help. Yoga is not manly here in the west, but do I care? Nope. I don’t care about preaching about the virtues of Taoist and Ayurvedic herbalism either. 

Why not? For one, this stuff works. It works incredibly well and has been honed by gurus, masters, ascetics and adepts for millenia. If you put time into the practices and apply these principles, it will transform every aspect of your life.

The other reason I don’t mind touting the benefits of yoga, herbs and tantric sex is because I don’t place my self-worth in what other people think. I like and love myself*,* and it’s not based off of what a single other person thinks of me, especially people on the internet. It’s not me being cocky, I’m as flawed as anyone, but I’ve done enough digging to know myself, to have my principles, to know what I like and to pursue that, to hell with what anyone else thinks.

I already dig myself, and no one can take that away from me. It also means I don’t go around seeking other people’s approval. You don’t like me? Makes no difference to me, that cup is already full, my friend.

As the ancient Greeks were found of saying, temet nosce – Know thyself.

I try to do good deeds, I make sure to be nice to others, especially those who have less than me, I spend time doing the things that I want to do, and I give value, respect and encouragement to others. 

I have a “buddy” who is constantly knocking others down to make himself feel better. He’s not a complete prick, but he is quick to make fun of people, whether he knows them or not, to make himself look and feel better. It’s sad, because everyone sees right through it. They see how insecure he is about himself and it does not win him any points, with guys or girls. I don’t remember the last time he had a girlfriend that lasted more than a couple months, and these were few and far between.

I have another friend, a real, actual friend, who is always building people up. He doesn’t kiss ass and he’ll tease you if it’s something harmless, but he’s quick to give value. He’ll help you out if you need help. He’s there for you if you need to talk. He’s a genuinely honest and giving guy, with a wide open heart. He’s quick to give genuine compliments. He knows that there’s no shortage of value to give, and while he doesn’t do it for these reasons, all that value giving just makes him even cooler, even more likeable, even more of a man. Not some weak, insecure man-child who has to make others look bad in order to make himself feel a bit better.

Interestingly, he’s into semen retention, jing-boosting herbs and all sorts of other self-improvement activities too. Quite popular with the ladies too, I might add.

Be that second guy. Give value to others. Be a nice, helpful dude. Find out what you’re into and pursue it, and fuck what anyone else says. Knowing yourself, pursuing your interests and being a good person, boring as it may sound, is what is genuinely attractive to others. It’s also the absolute key to confidence. You’ll have way more friends and trust me, the ladies will notice too.